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Nimzowitsch Defense – 1...Nc6 | How should you react?

I really like to play against this as white, 2. d4 e5 de5 Ne5 f4 and I haven't really lost any games with this to date. It seems like a much simpler way to go than playing into their game, unless they don't play e5 of course. But that seems like a rare occurrence at least under 2000
"(3...Ng4 is nonsense. After 4.d4 White’s threatening h3, and to throw Black’s knight to h6!)"

You'll want to be more specific there. Schlenker's "1...Sc6 aus allen Lagen!" actually went there and argued that Black was O.K. after 4.d4 d6 5.h3 Nh6.
I've always preferred to counter it with 1.e4 Nc6 2.Nc3, explicitly preventing 2...d5 for the moment.

Instead 2...Nf6 3.d4 is a worse version for black since white threatens to play e5 with tempo. Basically, black is forced to choose between transposing into a Vienna with e5 or Pirc/Modern with d6 and g6.
In the Vienna, black usually plays Nf6 instead of Nc6 to support a d5 counterstrike. After 1.e4 Nc5 2.Nc3 e5, white can even play 3.f4 with an improved king's gambit though normal development moves are fine too.

His other option is a Pirc/modern where the black knight usually doesn't belong on c6, especially not so early.

Going for a French like in the article now requires him to play e6 before d5, so the problem bishop won't get out.

As a bonus, neither option is likely to be what he's used to play nor where he's most comfortable.
Why not 1. e4 nc6 2. d4 d5 3. exd5 qxd5 4.nf3 Bg4 5.Be2 0-0-0 6.Be3?
This is amongst others recommended by Jones in his repertoire book for white . Another advantage is that you can issue it against 1.e4 d5 2.ed5 Qxd5 with 3.d4, without having to know additional theory after 3.Nc3, such as 3. Qa5, 3.Qd6 or 3. Qd8.